How to deal with envy

No, you’re not a bad person.

When that green-eyed monster rears its head, we do all we can to squash it down. We don’t want to feel envy. It’s icky. It’s sticky. And most of all, we judge ourselves for it. We shame ourselves for it. We deny it. We suppress it. We don’t own up to it within ourselves or in front of other people.

Rather than honestly confronting this feeling within ourselves, we might act out in ways such as gossiping or belittling others in order to feel better about what we feel we are missing. So it’s important for our own growth, as well as the growth of the collective, to learn how to compassionately and honestly meet envy when it arises.

So here’s the thing: envy is a natural human emotion. Just like any other emotion under the sun. We’re just so quick to label something as “good” or “bad,” and that is where we go wrong.

Why do we experience envy? We’re quite inclined to compare ourselves to how others seem to be doing. It’s part of our survival mechanism. We want to know how we measure up to others in our circle. By comparing ourselves, we feel that we can better understand how we’re doing in the race of life… because we’ve unfortunately been taught to view life as some sort of competition or race. So many societies are operating on this “survival of the fittest” mechanism, and it permeates every aspect of our lives. Unless we break free.

What makes it even more challenging these days is social media. Our access to other people’s lives — and more specifically, their curated highlight reels — enables our mind to fixate on those things we already feel insecure about. Any and all kinds of information about other people’s lives is just one click away. Whether it’s a fancy home, a loving partner, first class travel, or an adventurous career, we are fed these stories about other people’s lives every single day. We need to remember that we rarely ever see the full story. Even those snippets of “real talk” are curated as well. So our perception has gotten more and more skewed.

A couple of generations back, people used to only compare themselves to those in their immediate surroundings. Their neighbors and coworkers, perhaps, who were all leading a somewhat similar lifestyle. Sure, there were billboards and magazines and commercials. And those had their impact on how people would see themselves. But they saw these a lot less than we are these days, and they knew that this content was meant to be aspirational.

These days, we’re comparing ourselves to everyone, including people who we were never really meant to have so much information about. If we’re not critical enough of what we are consuming, we can fall into that trap over and over again. We’re also made to believe that celebrities’ and influencers’ lives are attainable to the average person, and that the people we knew back in college are all happier than we are now. We need to remind ourselves who we are comparing ourselves to, and be willing to examine why.

When we look deeper into our envy, just as any other part of ourselves, it’s important to notice how we’re actually meeting it. Are we meeting it with shame? Are we treating it as our enemy? When we take a closer look, we can see that our envy is not that scary green-eyed monster they told us about. It's a part of ourselves that needs more of our attention and love. That’s all. It’s not a “bad” part of us, and we’re not “bad” for experiencing it.

Challenging emotions that come to the surface are not our enemy. They are only so if we treat them as such.

If this is something that you’re working with, here are a few reminders that can help you meet envy in a more compassionate way:

It’s a sign of where you can grow

Take this feeling and jot down what it’s bringing up for you. Where do you feel it in your body? What color does it have? Where has it taken root? Where does it feel the stickiest?

When you explore it without judgment, you can truly learn where it’s coming from. It may likely be coming from a place where you’ve felt deprived in the past.

You can always rewrite your story. Take this as an opportunity to explore yourself and grow into beyond your current parameters. So often, when we hold on to envy, we’re only holding ourselves back from growth. And whether we’re conscious of it or not, it’s truly a waste of energy when it’s not channeled properly. Eyeing someone else’s life isn’t productive, and it most certainly will not bring you closer to what you desire. But using that energy to invest in yourself and your personal growth will reap many rewards.

You do deserve the happiness, beauty, and health that you see in others. Don’t be afraid to give yourself permission to grow.

It’s a reminder that there’s room for everyone

When we’re envious of others, it can also be a sign of a scarcity mindset. We think that if someone else has something, that means that we can’t have it. But life isn’t a zero-sum game! Remember, we rise by lifting others. It takes practice — and guess what? We can make it fun. Look at someone who you’ve felt envious of and wish them well. Congratulate them on their blessings in your heart, or even out loud. Even if you don’t “feel” like it… you can learn to feel like it! By celebrating others, you are celebrating life itself. And you’re giving yourself the gift of freedom. From there, you can also learn to lift yourself up and fully start taking up the space that you’re in. Cultivate a supportive environment for yourself, and the universe will support you right back!

It’s here to tell you what you like and want

When you’re coveting an aspect of someone else’s life, it’s pointing you in the direction of where you might like to go. Whether it’s a certain lifestyle that they’re leading, relationships that they have, or a career path that they’re following, it’s a sign of what you might want to explore in your own journey in life. This is linked to the previous point: learn to see others as your inspiration and not your competition. You’ll then be humble enough to accept being a beginner at something, or allowing yourself to change course in life. Exploring things is fun. If someone else has what you want and you feel jealous, it’s an invitation for you to try that thing out for yourself! And see where it will lead you on your own path.

It’s here to teach you about personal boundaries

It’s okay if you need to mute or unfollow people, or take breaks from seeing certain things online. If you’re struggling with something quite deeply, it’s okay if you don’t feel strong enough to face every single reminder of it. Some people may have body image issues, or other sorts of internal battles that they may be facing. I don’t believe in avoiding our triggers, as these trigger-points show us where we have room to grow. But purposefully challenging and shaming yourself into growth is counterproductive. Take it slow, and honor your own pace. Set boundaries with the things that make you feel like sh*t about yourself or your life. You’re allowed to do that. It’s a loving act towards yourself. We were never meant to be so exposed to everyone all the time, so it’s okay if you need to take a step back from consuming things and take it all one day at a time.

It’s pointing to where you need more love

Envy is rooted in insecurity. It comes from that “not-enoughness” that we’re so often bombarded with. The world thrives on us feeling like we’re not enough, and that we have to do more things and spend more money to prove it. We may have also internalized that messaging at a very young age, perhaps from our caregivers or our peers or teachers.

We each have our unique story as to where a particular insecurity may have come from. When the feeling arises, the last thing you need is to shame yourself for it. It’s just pointing to where you need to pour more love into your life. Nourish yourself from the inside and out, invest in yourself, speak loving and kind words to yourself. Practice your affirmations. Day by day, if you are committed and consistent, you’ll feel that love radiating from within you. It’s already there — you just need to peel back those layers!

It’s a reminder to be grateful

Envy can also come from a lack of gratitude for what we have. Establish a gratitude practice every day. List your blessings. Be truly thankful. Carry them in your heart. Those smallest things that you might take for granted. Those are everything. Those are your whole life. Love the people and things and opportunities that you have. We forget that we are enough and that we have enough. We forget what’s right here in front of us. Count your blessings, and your blessings will grow.

It’s a reminder to honor your own path

Everything is relative. Yes, they have things that you don’t. But you also have things that they don’t. The more you nourish yourself and your natural gifts, the less inclined you’ll be to fixate on others’ stories. As they say, the grass is greener where you water it. You have your own life and your own blessings. That’s unique and special to you. The more you water your own garden, the more you will see it grow.

If you’re spending all that energy focusing on how their garden is doing, you’re missing out on yours. And who says that their plants are healthy and thriving, anyway? They may not have strong roots. Appearances are just appearances. Don’t compare an appearance to your experience.

Don’t let your life pass you by like that. Honor your own unique path. You’re here for a reason. You’re on your own timeline. You were brought to this earth to shine as you and not as them. If you were meant to be someone else, you would have been. Put your energy into your own path.

It’s meant to be understood and felt, not analyzed

While it’s important to meet envy with compassionate awareness, spending time stewing in these feelings and allowing them to take over your entire thought process can be quite destructive. Observe when it arises, and allow it to be there. Breathe into it for a few moments. Perhaps journal about it or talk to someone you trust if it’s a recurring thing. Once you’ve met it with love, learn to let it go. The more you hyper-analyze something and allow yourself to stew in it, the heavier and stickier it becomes. It does not need to be your identity. You can explore it, learn from it, and gently let it go. It’s the only way you can really take those sweet lessons from what once tasted bitter.

If this is something you’re working with on your journey, I truly hope this has helped provide some perspective! <3